Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
