Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We need to get me chipped asap
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
