I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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