I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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