ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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