i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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