Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
