You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
