i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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