how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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