i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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