it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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