I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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