What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
