I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
