well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
