New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
