Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
