Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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