im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
