FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
