Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
