John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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