Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
