apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
