hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
