Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
