Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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