Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
