Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
