I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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