I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize