i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
