she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
