dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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