she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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