You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
