i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize