Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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