I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
