i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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