i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
