it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
