I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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