I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
