I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
