I'm so fucking centered right now
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
