u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize