it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
