It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
