her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
