dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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