the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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