I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
