Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
