I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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