sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
