You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
