He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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