Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
