I just saw a hot homeless man
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize