i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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