Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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