im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just gargled with NyQuil
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
